Why fights are good in a relationship

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Read on to discover 11 tips to help you fight more productively. When you're in the heat of the moment and feeling emotional, it's tough to think before you open your mouth. But taking a pause before you launch into a complaint will allow you to frame your grievance more effectively. A few simple seconds gives you enough time to step back from squabbles and think: "How can I say this so my partner will hear it? Saying "I'm hurt" or " I feel really angry " instead of " You screwed up!

They're going to feel at fault and you won't get through," says Meg Batterson , a couples psychotherapist based in New York. Speaking in terms of how you feel and offering potential solutions to try together, rather than blaming your partner completely, will remind you that you're in a partnership and need to work together to have a stronger relationship.

Unfortunately, arguments can often devolve into personal attacks think name-calling, criticizing the core of who someone is or how they look —and that is definitely not healthy for your relationship. If you're name-calling, you've probably gone too far. John Gottman , world-renowned psychologist and relationship expert, says that one of the predictors of divorce occurs when a person consistently attacks her partner's character rather than isolating the specific issues that are upsetting.

So, instead of saying, "Of course you didn't do the dishes again. You're lazy! You can say something instead like, "I feel frustrated when I come home to a sink full of dirty dishes. Can we set up a schedule for our chores so this doesn't happen again? When we're arguing, there's a tendency to talk more than to listen. We're so eager to get our feelings out, we may not even hear what our loved one is trying to express.

Batterson says that the person who has an issue is the one that needs to be listened to. This should challenge couples to be intentional about how they start a dialogue. Ask yourself: Do I empower them, or do I put them into an attack stance when I bring up issues? The way you begin has three parts, according to Dziedzic: your tone, the actual words you say, and your volume.

If any of those is harsh, the conversation is likely to go downhill from there, so it can be key to reflect on how you tend to begin discussions with your significant other. Gary Chapman, marriage counselor, speaker, and author of the 5 Love Languages series. An action that can add dry wood to the flame of a fight is cutting each other off. To avoid this, Chapman suggests that at the top of a conversation, both parties should agree on a time limit for each person to share their thoughts and feelings.

As highlighted in his book Love Busters , author, marriage counselor, and psychologist Dr. Willard Harley, Jr. Harley—who speaks at marriage seminars throughout the U. Too often this is where things can get ugly, and a disagreement graduates to a fight. This will give you an opportunity to gather your thoughts and plan what you want to say with sobriety.